so I never have to live a day without you...

This weekend was actually extremely stressful because we spent most of Sunday in the hospital. Justin has been having these intense pains on the right side of his body for a week. I swore he had Appendicitis. After four hours and one xray they came up with nothing. Sending us home instead with more pain pills and muscle relaxers. This on top of his fractured wrist and lower back pain (due to arthritis @29?!?!) I just lost is in the hospital room. Tears and demanding the Dr. to tell us what we are supposed to do next? Is he supposed to live off pills the rest of his life. (This was after the Dr. laughed at my  Appendicitis diagnosis even though it was textbook definition.) I should have clarified with the Dr. why my diagnosis was laughable when he didn't even have one.

Basically, I am scared. Scared that he is falling apart and our life has only begun. I could not live without him.

*I realize I am being very dramatic but this stuff f*ing scares me.

I have a confession. I am only going to say it here and I am only going to say it once.

I don't want to be a mom.



There I said it.



A mother to a healthy energetic baby that makes us a family and that grows into a unique person yes. I actually cannot wait to see Justin be a Dad, because I know he will be the best Dad ever. I also can not wait to show our child all the adventures the world has to offer.



I want to be a mother but not a mom.



I will explain and I don't expect all the moms to rush in saying it is not so bad. This is just me, saying what I wanted to say for SO long.



I don't want to be the mom that gives fb posts about their kid 24/7 and every cute thing they say.



I don't want to have that distracted mom "umm humm" when a friend is trying to talk to me.



I don't want to be oblivious to the rest of the world because I have a kid.


I don't want to start a baby blog.



I don't really want the label.



I don't want to hair cut ... or the jeans.



I don't want to lose myself to this "mommy and me group"



I don't want to stress out about what my kid is or is not doing with other parents.



I don't want to talk baby talk.



I don't want to expect everyone will think my kid is as charming and cute as I do.



I want to be a mother but I am not ready for all that being a "mom" entails. I am looking for mother role models. I feel like I am the only one......

*BREATHE*

I'm better today. I just can not do the 24/7 wedding thing. It was different when I was not planning my own wedding. Before I would pour over wedding blogs and collect ideas. However, with my own wedding in the mix I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around how this wedding is going to represent us and will not turn out to be one big stress fest.

*BREATHE*

(this is all a bit ironic because I do quite a bit of event planning for my job. I wonder if that is why I am just losing it. I know what it takes to pull off an event behind the scenes and usually I have a whole crew to direct.)

So here I am today. Better but still deflated.

Just in case you are wondering Justin is amazing through all of this. He is my calm in the storm. He takes everything in stride and reminds me what it is all about.

The other day I asked him,"So I have to the stamp store later today to go pick up the order for the save the date cards. Do you want to come?"

He just laugh and responded, " So I have to go to Ouray to marry this girl later next year. Do you want to come?" :)

I took that as a yes!

PS Do you want to know the best advice I got yesterday? It came from Anna

just keep on enjoying it.

life is too short to be stressed!!

oh and you should probably start drinking ;)

Thanks guys. we are stalking up.

I am having a wedding melt down. SERIOUSLY.

photo
which is sad because I love the wedding process and I am actually really enjoying making our save the date cards.

PS Please don't say "it is your day" because everyone knows it is bigger than that. Seriously... I was about to elope this weekend. I have been crying ever since. I am just losing it.

"Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours. " Mr Big

Do you at all love these girls as much as I do???

You have laughed with them...

Cried with them....

Coveted their closets....

Head over to a blonde and a brunette NOW to check out the extended trailer for SATC 2(!!!!!)... you will never guess who comes back into Carrie's life!!!

PS listen to the trailer question... "What happens after marriage?" Truthfully, I am scared of that too! I love how we are RIGHT now... I love how people see our relationship as it is. We are totally and completely in love and people see that and want that. Once you are married you become "the married couple that HAS to be together... and is only interesting to talk about if they have problems." Really it goes like this ...marriage... then baby... and then what?
Basically, what I am saying is , "I still want to get it on in the hallway.... can we do that and be married?"