I just found this journal entry I wrote on the computer.... I have no idea why I wrote it. For my 24th birthday maybe? (I don't normally keep a journal. although it is always interesting to reread what you wrote.)

About me…. I am not a very complex person… and I don’t pretend to be. I have really only been in love once. It is amazing. I can not imagine my life without him. I love running alone- I have to run … it just gives me time to think and be by myself. I am really in to health and nutrition, but I love ice cream. I have a puppy, her name is Lily. She is non- stop energy. I wanted to be a vet when I was little- I also wanted to be a checkout girl. Thank god for self checkout so I could finally realize checking out groceries actually sucks. Career crises avoided. I now am an Administrative Assistant to the Vice President of a Community College. I really like my job, minus the occational bomb threats. When I was 18 I lived in Fiji for a month. I stayed in a village with no running water and no electricity. I learned how to build a hut out of bamboo sticks. How many people can say that?!?!? Everyone called me “little white girl”- classy. Probably the best thing I ever did- that and giving Justin my correct phone number on my 21^st birthday. Lucky because at that time I probably could not even tell you my name let alone my correct number. I am an only child. My favorite drink is rum and diet. I still get carded. I love gossip magazines and political drama movies. I could spend hours in Barnes and Nobel. It has taken me 24 years to realize life is messy- that I can not control everything and for the first time in my life I am ok with that. I am in a wonderful place in my life right now. I am surrounded by the people I love and trust the most. Life is good.

Do you keep a journal?

I have a confession. I am only going to say it here and I am only going to say it once.

I don't want to be a mom.



There I said it.



A mother to a healthy energetic baby that makes us a family and that grows into a unique person yes. I actually cannot wait to see Justin be a Dad, because I know he will be the best Dad ever. I also can not wait to show our child all the adventures the world has to offer.



I want to be a mother but not a mom.



I will explain and I don't expect all the moms to rush in saying it is not so bad. This is just me, saying what I wanted to say for SO long.



I don't want to be the mom that gives fb posts about their kid 24/7 and every cute thing they say.



I don't want to have that distracted mom "umm humm" when a friend is trying to talk to me.



I don't want to be oblivious to the rest of the world because I have a kid.


I don't want to start a baby blog.



I don't really want the label.



I don't want to hair cut ... or the jeans.



I don't want to lose myself to this "mommy and me group"



I don't want to stress out about what my kid is or is not doing with other parents.



I don't want to talk baby talk.



I don't want to expect everyone will think my kid is as charming and cute as I do.



I want to be a mother but I am not ready for all that being a "mom" entails. I am looking for mother role models. I feel like I am the only one......