I recognize that you are not supposed to post things like this so close to holidays but I want to make sure that my blog is a true reflection of what moves me. Today it was this....

I heard a story today on NPR today. (surprise I know.) About a father and a mother who lost their 38 year old daughter and moved back to care for the three young children and their son-in-law.There I was sitting in the car and tears were streaming down my face. Roger Rosenblatt, the father and the author of the memoir MAKING TOAST spoke as if he was talking directly to me.

"Until it happens to you, there is a kind of casual way you look upon other people. Death is something that happens to others, you think, until it happens to you."from MAKING TOAST.

I still struggle with my grandmothers death. Since that day I felt as if I was let in on, as Roger said, a secret society. I recognized immediately what he was referring to. You become inducted into this society the moment your are crippled with the loss of a family member. As I looked around I also started to see that I was not alone in the crippling paralysis. No there were others, many others. I could look into their soals and see that they were crippled too. They were fighting that same battle and we were losing. Yes, there were others and it provided no comfort. I just found it so sad that we share this terrible burden.

I still struggle with the fact that she is gone. There is no one in my life who fills that gap. I bought her a Valentines day card. That is sick right? I did . Well it was not meant for her exactly, but I saw it in the store and thought it was adorable. Once I got it home I realize the only other person who would appreciate it was my grandmother. So it just sits there.

I now have become obsessed with saving letters, phone messages and notes from family members. My loss has only begun I realize. It has only begun.